As I said I had not been made to feel guilt and therefore I don’t think my expression changed through the whole ordeal. They shouted at me, I believe that my life was genuinely in danger from the girl’s family. The danger wasn’t only physical, the doctor and the man who had brought me back to the scene offered a different danger, police and the courts. When they threatened public outcry I could have cared less and yet I still felt fear, coming from deep inside of me, from my source, Jekyll. There was nothing that he feared but public exposure for what he truly was, a man who would create a monster like me.
Jekyll did share one concern though, neither of us wished to face prison and the courts. This unusual internal mutual agreement led me to seek some sort of accord with the doctor and the man who had captured me. Finally, this was my first experience with the power of money; I agreed to pay a ridiculous sum for the retention of my so called good name. As if I had a good name, I had no name at all except the one that Jekyll had seen fit to give me for his own convenience. Everything in my life was for his convenience, my name, my personality, my home, my positions, not one aspect of my life was for me.
This incident ended without anything truly bad happening, though Jekyll chaffed when I had him write the check paying the family of the little girl. This connected his name to this disreputable business, it had been for things such as this that I had been created but it couldn’t be avoided. After this business I was even granted my own bank account though Jekyll watched all of my doings, just as I watched his, and wouldn’t allow me the totally free use of the money he had deposited there. It seemed truly unfair that he should be given total freedom of his body while I should be a slave to his whims. He would sit back and moralize at me from my own mind while I exercised only those things that he had created me with from his own personality. That was the most sickening part of my existence, I had nothing redeemable about me, and he could mock me for it while I could do nothing to him.
I continued with the fake life, I mean to say that life its self was fake, I was living a sham of existence for Jekyll’s pleasure, for over a year without further incident after the business with the child. I was entering my own home, the one that Jekyll had bought for me, when I was accosted by a friend of Jekyll’s, a Mr. Utterson. I had seen the man, and heard his discussions, through Jekyll but this was the first time that I had ever come face to face with him. His face was filled with the repulsion that I had grown used to being on everyone’s faces when they spoke to me.
Our conversation was not of consequence, I found later that he believed me to be blackmailing Jekyll, but it was my first meeting with Utterson who would be important later. Even now, and I am in dire straights I find humor in the idea that I would blackmail Jekyll, he who controlled my life and wore me like a suit.
I brooded, unhappy with my lot. I was given a lot of time for introspection since Jekyll was usually in possession of our shared body. It irked me above all else that Jekyll should have so much control over me and I should have so little control over him. It wasn’t until about a month after I met Mr. Utterson that I made a step to gaining control.
Jekyll was asleep; this I believe was of some assistance to my purpose. While he was awake he tried to even control his thoughts to what society expected of him so I had no way to break through. When Jekyll was asleep however his mind tended to bring out more of his true personality and after some practice I finally managed to transform into my body while he was asleep. My mind was still the dormant one, Jekyll was still in control, but the ability to make the body mine was a start.
To be continued...
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